Deep Thoughts

Love.  It's the wave I ride that won't ever reach the shore.  Overwhelmed by the tide and wanting nothing more tonight, than to take this time and make it all mine.

I swear, love is going to be thing that drives me.

Until the day I die.

Drives me up the wall.

Drives me insane.

Drives me to do the impossible.

Drives me to the edge.

Drives me to laugh.

Drives me to cry.

Drives me to cry out of laughter.

Drives me across the country.

And yet, it's the thing that drives you away.

I haven't wanted to write a blog about love because, shoot, what do I know?  I'm just a young man...what do I have to say about the thing that makes the world go round?  And so I hesitated and doubted myself, and I didn't write anything at all.  The reason this blog didn't get updated was because I didn't want to write about what wasn't on my mind.  I don't want to talk about my classes when she is what is on my mind.  Then, all of a sudden I realized that I don't give a rip about whether I know  the answers.  I don't have to.  All I want to do is talk about my thoughts, about how I feel, not talk about how I know what love is.  Because I don't.  Who does?  But hell, I'm willing to take a shot at it.  At least try to figure this out.

SO, that said, I don't get what is going on.  I have no idea how all this happened in one month.  It was mere 39 days ago in which I was having one of the most beautiful afternoons I have ever had.  It was a happiness I had never known before.  Days spent in sunshine at the park with a ravishing beauty.  Matchless.  I cannot explain as to how perfect that month was; praise God for showing me something truly beautiful.  In a time in which the future hung over my head like the thunderstorms I now experience, she was my glorious spring morning.

Mornings are different here.  I no longer share mornings with her, I no longer experience the sun rising at the same time.  I haven't slept well lately, mainly because I never really moved away from California time.  I stayed up late in California, and I've stayed up later here.  It doesn't help anything when you're going to bed when the sun is waking up.

But none of this seems fair.  Why now?  As she once told me, "I am so confused as to why God would put you in my life only to take you away."  It doesn't make sense to me.  Because we didn't have a falling out.  We didn't find reasons to not be with each other.  We didn't have a traditional break up.  And yet, I cannot be with her.  And now I'm stuck with all these feelings, and I don't want to move on, because what if we have a chance when I move back?  If that's possible, then I don't want to kiss anyone else's lips for two years.  I don't want to be with someone else.  How fair is that to whomever I'm with?  Thanks honey, I love you to, but you see, there's this girl back in California, and well...if I had a choice, I'd be with her.  Because, like it or not, that's how it's gonna be.  I know there is going to be a time in which I am talking to some girl, holding her hand, and I am going to wish it is Elysse's hand, with my ring on her thumb.  I can't see how that is fair to Miss Jane Doe.  Besides, it doesn't feel right to compromise either.  I'm gonna get to know girls, yes.  I'm scared of the moment, though, in which I look at her and think Well, you just don't measure up. I sigh. Dammit.

So, here's to living alone.

Here's to learning how to be independent.

Here's to learning how to live without someone telling me they love me to my face.

Here's to that perfect month.

Here's to true love.

Here's to the prayers I say for us.

Here's to showing me positive living.

Here's to our lives not yet lived.

Here's to the man I'm becoming.

Here's to two years.

Here's to you, Elysse.

oh the bluesss

As my fellow music enthusiast friend John Ploch plays some Expert-level guitar hero (Stevie Ray Vaughn), I have some time to write a little somethin' somethin'.

I took my Introduction to Media Arts final today, and there is a waaay more-than-likely chance that I got a B in the class. If I didn't take the final, I would have passed with over a 70. If I got 50% or better, I got a B. If I get a 98% or better, I get an A. That really sucks ya know? That's nice, the A is juuust above my reach. Good to know I set myself up for that one, right? Haha. My final in Behavioral Science (more like second-half mid-term) is really all common sense. How do you solve problems? AND you give it to me in multiple choice. Why, thank you for the A, it's much appreciated, Gale.

Next month's classes are Computer Science and the Internet (aka CSI ;) haha), and College Mathematics (aka CMA, the country music awards. Great. Good to know I ALREADY have a reason to hate the class, and I haven't even seen a division sign yet). They seem alright. It was nice of Full Sail to provide me with a fantastic little solar-powered calculator. I think they realize a bunch of these people are about a decade out from taking the SATs, and they didn't hang on to their TI-83s. But the other thing I noticed was that the math book (fittingly titled Algebra) was deticated to someone's mother who had passed on. It made me think...how would I feel if someone dedicated a math book to me. I mean, I would be honored, I guess. "Thanks, Bobby. I'm glad everyone's gonna think I'm a nerd now." Haha oh well. I'm sure that her mother is proud of her, wherever she may be.

Anyways, its time for me to sing Radiohead on Rock Band. :)

Thank JP for this one. =]

So, I know, I know, I know.  I haven't posted in like...forever.  Thus the perks of having an internet connection that is puny and slow.  And also of being in class that actually requires you to pay attention...what's up with that, right?  So that has been my life.

But things have been really hard lately, and the continual love and support from back home is more than appreciated.  All you friends are so good to me.  Thank you to Tracie for listening to me talk her ear off about my program and everything that was going on.  Thank you to Joey for talking to me as a fellow man, and giving me endless laughs.  Especially, thank you to my mother for talking me through the pain of coming home to an empty house for the first time in my life.

I will be updating things more, now that internet is coming into the apartment in about a week.  I will be satisfying JP (and anyone else who wished to check back consistently) with blogs [hopefully] every week.  I just have to think of things to say!  It's gonna be a little battle to think of what to write in here and what to keep out.  I think it's gonna end up being pretty honest, actually.  It is gonna have some moments in which I really open myself up here, and I hope everyone can see how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking while over here in Orlando.

One thing has been finding someone to talk to.  When I called my mom in tears the other night, I found myself in the place where I couldn't even speak about what's going on.  All I could do was just cry over what was going on.  I wanted someone to talk to.  I wanted someone who was going to meet me on my level, to see how I was feeling.  That's what I need right now.  People to try and see me where I am.

And so it gets to the point to where my mother tells me that I should get hooked up with someone from a church here.  I know that's true.  And so this guy calls me today from a local church...David Lorenz.  He got hooked up from another guy at the church, who heard from my dad, who got the OK from me to call someone at that church.  And so I had this 15 minute conversation with this guy, but I couldn't really talk to him like ME.  Because I felt like I still had to be on good behavior.  And that's not how I want to feel around people.  Sure there are times that I like that feeling, like when I was around Noel, Elysse's mother, for example.  I enjoy being cordial in time like that.  But if I'm telling someone about my problems, I at least want to be able to curse.  And I don't feel like I can do that in front of someone in the church.  Sorry.

Well that's all for now.

I'll be posting more.

Be ready.

This will probably get intense.

Meridian Hookah Lounge

Well we found the local hookah lounge and they offer unlimited hookahs, free WiFi, and comfy seats all for 10 bucks a night.  They say you can leave and come back all under the same 10 bucks.  Open like noon to 3 am.  You can't really beat that, eh?

Today was a hard day.  Today began the time in which I am completely and utterly alone.  It's definitely a new experience that I did not expect. Everything was fine and dandy until I had to entertain myself all day.  Things changed very fast.  I find 24 hours to be much longer than I thought it would be.

And now I sit in Meridian, in a half booth with my lone hookah, and next to me is a huuuge (UCF probably) booth of kids.  Like 4 guys, 5 girls.  A true part.  And I'm like next to them, blowing O's left and right, and they probably think I'm the biggest loner ever.  But that's alright.  Cause the guys are truly jealous of my O blowing ability.  Thank you, southern cali.  Mmm this is pretty nice hookah right now.  It doesn't last too long to be honest.  But I'm being picky.

I guess I just want everyone to know that I miss them all terribly.  Truth.

Sunny Orlando

It's morning, bright, and beautiful in Orlando this morning.  It's been a few crazy days since last I posted on here.  I--

*sighs* It's really hard to concentrate when there is a guy trimming the hedges out there.  It sounds like someone is revving their Kawasaki righ outside my window. Haha the joys of living in the apartment complexes in Winter Park.  Nothing like it!

Anyways, where was I? Well, everything has pretty much been taken care of.  From registration, to getting the MBPro, books, and classes, to everything at the apartment (I'm typing this from my bed).  And now that everything is done, I'm still trying to convince myself that this is where I come home at the end of the day.  This is my personal sanctuary in Florida.  That is something that is really quite hard to grasp.  After living in the same house my whole life (save for the two months at the Barry's), it's hard to comprehend this place being my residence.  But alas, these are yet the same arguments and complaints and ideas that I have had for some time now.  So now onto modern things.

This MacBook is sweet.  2.5 GHz...200 GB of space...Leopard...Final Cut Studio and Logic Studio...I don't really have much room for complaints.  It's just sweet.  And my first two classes are Behavioral Science and Introduction to Media Arts.  I am already like looking through the BS book cause I'm interested in it.  It seems to be a nice book.  Full Sail puts them out, which is interesting.  There's work pages all throughout the inside and everything.  Looks like nice stuff.  I got my ID badge too.  That's probably the most ironic thing about Full Sail.  They have the most intense technical stuff in the world, and the picture on my badge looks like a 5 year-old drew it with a crayon.  It's really quite funny.

The apartment really is awesome.  Pictures will be taken today, once everything is definitely settled.  I really think this place is going to make me a better person.  There's something about owning your own place that makes you want to take care of it.  Even though I had my own spot in the house in Brea, this is my place to show off, and I plan on doing it.  I want to have friends over...when I make them of course.

Well, there's the Kawasaki again.

Moving on to silliness, I have made friends with the ducks at Seabrook Apts, actually.  They are my friends and they are cute.  I haven't had the chance to chat with the mama that has like 10 little ducklings, but I plan on getting close to the kiddies soon.  They will be good friends later in the stay here, so I figure I might as well get to know them at a young age.  I'm serious guys, when someone visits me (like...my family) in about a year, I'm gonna be freakin' close to these ducks.  You have no idea.  They're gonna be smoking hookah with me even.  Just you wait.

Just you wait.