Deep Thoughts

Love.  It's the wave I ride that won't ever reach the shore.  Overwhelmed by the tide and wanting nothing more tonight, than to take this time and make it all mine.

I swear, love is going to be thing that drives me.

Until the day I die.

Drives me up the wall.

Drives me insane.

Drives me to do the impossible.

Drives me to the edge.

Drives me to laugh.

Drives me to cry.

Drives me to cry out of laughter.

Drives me across the country.

And yet, it's the thing that drives you away.

I haven't wanted to write a blog about love because, shoot, what do I know?  I'm just a young man...what do I have to say about the thing that makes the world go round?  And so I hesitated and doubted myself, and I didn't write anything at all.  The reason this blog didn't get updated was because I didn't want to write about what wasn't on my mind.  I don't want to talk about my classes when she is what is on my mind.  Then, all of a sudden I realized that I don't give a rip about whether I know  the answers.  I don't have to.  All I want to do is talk about my thoughts, about how I feel, not talk about how I know what love is.  Because I don't.  Who does?  But hell, I'm willing to take a shot at it.  At least try to figure this out.

SO, that said, I don't get what is going on.  I have no idea how all this happened in one month.  It was mere 39 days ago in which I was having one of the most beautiful afternoons I have ever had.  It was a happiness I had never known before.  Days spent in sunshine at the park with a ravishing beauty.  Matchless.  I cannot explain as to how perfect that month was; praise God for showing me something truly beautiful.  In a time in which the future hung over my head like the thunderstorms I now experience, she was my glorious spring morning.

Mornings are different here.  I no longer share mornings with her, I no longer experience the sun rising at the same time.  I haven't slept well lately, mainly because I never really moved away from California time.  I stayed up late in California, and I've stayed up later here.  It doesn't help anything when you're going to bed when the sun is waking up.

But none of this seems fair.  Why now?  As she once told me, "I am so confused as to why God would put you in my life only to take you away."  It doesn't make sense to me.  Because we didn't have a falling out.  We didn't find reasons to not be with each other.  We didn't have a traditional break up.  And yet, I cannot be with her.  And now I'm stuck with all these feelings, and I don't want to move on, because what if we have a chance when I move back?  If that's possible, then I don't want to kiss anyone else's lips for two years.  I don't want to be with someone else.  How fair is that to whomever I'm with?  Thanks honey, I love you to, but you see, there's this girl back in California, and well...if I had a choice, I'd be with her.  Because, like it or not, that's how it's gonna be.  I know there is going to be a time in which I am talking to some girl, holding her hand, and I am going to wish it is Elysse's hand, with my ring on her thumb.  I can't see how that is fair to Miss Jane Doe.  Besides, it doesn't feel right to compromise either.  I'm gonna get to know girls, yes.  I'm scared of the moment, though, in which I look at her and think Well, you just don't measure up. I sigh. Dammit.

So, here's to living alone.

Here's to learning how to be independent.

Here's to learning how to live without someone telling me they love me to my face.

Here's to that perfect month.

Here's to true love.

Here's to the prayers I say for us.

Here's to showing me positive living.

Here's to our lives not yet lived.

Here's to the man I'm becoming.

Here's to two years.

Here's to you, Elysse.